I don't feel very thankful today. I'm the Thanksgiving equivalent of Christmas' grinch. I have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile! I'm happy to see my family today and I'm looking forward to a great meal, but as for being thankful for all of my life's blessings... not so much. I've liked other people's posts listing all the things they're thankful for. I have lots to be thankful for, too. I lead a blessed life. But when I sat down to write a list of my own I couldn't get past a niggling little voice in my brain say "pbblt, whatever."

Last year at this time I was just starting to realize that when it came to my agency, all was not right in the state of Denmark. Other people that hosted in the summer of 05 from Peanut's region were starting to travel for court dates. My group was stuck waiting and we were getting restless. We had heard our agency promise that they "were in the next batch" for accreditation since the previous June. (A good 9 agencies had been accredited in the meantime.) The fact that they weren't just misinformed, but were actually lying to us became clear. Even so, I believed I would bring Peanut home. Little did I know that he was already in a patronat home by then. Little did I know that he would not be coming home. Little did I know that I likely will never speak to or hear from my son ever again.

The past year has to have been caught in some odd sort of time warp. Far too much has happened for it to have only been one short year. I've had to completely rewrite the pages of my dreams.

So I'm not thankful. Instead I'm kind of bitter and a tad petulant. But I am hopeful. I'm hopeful that soon I'll matched with a child. I'm hopeful that soon I can get off this horrid rollercoaster and finally be a mom. I'll smile and be kind today, but I'll remember that there should be someone else seated next to me. And inside my heart, I'll be crying over that empty chair.

Update:

It's 9 p.m. I just got home from my sister's house and we had a very nice Thanksgiving. For some reason holidays just highlight the fact that I'm not a mother yet. It plunges me into the deep end of the self-pity pool. But, other than occasional twinges of wishes and "ifs" tonight was a lot of fun. So here's my list of things I was thankful for today:

• That my niece and her fiancee were able to come home for the holiday.
• Mom loaned me her warmer tray -- my rumaki were a big hit.
• That my family is goofy enough to start eating before saying grace and then remember mid-way through and change the words to say "which we have already started to receive..."
• My sister made pumpkin swirl cheesecake.
• My nephew Brad was my Trivial Pursuit partner (he's so stinking smart).
• That my BIL Tim and I kept coughing and saying "Bambi" everytime my sister tried to take a bite of venison.

More seriously, I'm very grateful for my family. We know how to laugh, we're skilled at poking fun, but we love with intensity. That's no small thing. Turns out that my love for my family is even stronger than my will to feel sorry for myself. I'll be going to bed tonight much happier than when I woke up.

Labels: Family, Peanut